Sometimes I just don't understand why things happen the way that they do. That is life. But I know that God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Things happen the way they happen, and every event is filtered through His loving hands.
Before I became pregnant with Adam, I hadn't ever listened to God's view on children, and wasn't on board with letting Him plan my family and decide how many children I would have. And at the time, I didn't even really appreciate the preciousness of little babies, and just how amazing it is that life develops inside of me. Yes, I LOVED my children, but the Lord had not brought me to this new sense of awe and wonder that I have about life now. He taught me this through my pregnancy with Adam, which God surprised (shocked!) me with when I thought I was "done" having babies.
Fast forward to now...when I am in this new place of trusting God with family size, and in a new place of awe and wonder and love for new human life. And now....well, my body doesn't seem to want to carry another baby.
I had two labs done 48 hours apart to check my hormone levels, and unfortunately it looks like I am miscarrying again. My hcg just barely rose, and my progesterone dropped. God can work a miracle, but it doesn't look promising. I have two more labs just to make sure.
Which brings me to trusting God. I don't understand why He does it this way. He brings me to a place of trusting Him to plan my family, and I get a fresh new desire to have babies, and now my body won't do it. And now, I am filled with this longing for a baby that wasn't there before, when I was controlling my womb myself and wanted to be done having children. It doesn't make sense to me. But then, the scope of my mind is finite and I cannot possibly understand the ways of God. I just have to trust Him. Trust Him to allow more children....trust Him to cut off childbearing.
I just know this: God is good...ALL THE TIME.