Sometimes I just don't understand why things happen the way that they do. That is life. But I know that God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. Things happen the way they happen, and every event is filtered through His loving hands.
Before I became pregnant with Adam, I hadn't ever listened to God's view on children, and wasn't on board with letting Him plan my family and decide how many children I would have. And at the time, I didn't even really appreciate the preciousness of little babies, and just how amazing it is that life develops inside of me. Yes, I LOVED my children, but the Lord had not brought me to this new sense of awe and wonder that I have about life now. He taught me this through my pregnancy with Adam, which God surprised (shocked!) me with when I thought I was "done" having babies.
Fast forward to now...when I am in this new place of trusting God with family size, and in a new place of awe and wonder and love for new human life. And now....well, my body doesn't seem to want to carry another baby.
I had two labs done 48 hours apart to check my hormone levels, and unfortunately it looks like I am miscarrying again. My hcg just barely rose, and my progesterone dropped. God can work a miracle, but it doesn't look promising. I have two more labs just to make sure.
Which brings me to trusting God. I don't understand why He does it this way. He brings me to a place of trusting Him to plan my family, and I get a fresh new desire to have babies, and now my body won't do it. And now, I am filled with this longing for a baby that wasn't there before, when I was controlling my womb myself and wanted to be done having children. It doesn't make sense to me. But then, the scope of my mind is finite and I cannot possibly understand the ways of God. I just have to trust Him. Trust Him to allow more children....trust Him to cut off childbearing.
I just know this: God is good...ALL THE TIME.
I stare at my 23 month old when she is sleeping in my arms and cry sometimes. Cry for how blessed I was to easily become pregnant at 38 and how now, its not happenning. I cry for the missed oppoortunity in the years I prevented pregnancy when I was younger and didn't know better. For the realization that my body may not ever again grow another life. I well up with tears for you and feel for your situation. I will pray and hope everything turns out well for you. Many blessings.
ReplyDeleteBeth I do the same thing. And mine is 23 months this month, and I got pregnant with him at 38. I turn 40 next month and my hubby is 12 years old than I, so one or both of us is not producing viable seed.
DeleteI'm so sorry April! I will be praying for you. For you physically and mentally.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to cause you more pain, but I'm confused... If your HCG went up and your progesterone went down then why do you not just take progesterone? It would seem that maybe that is your problem, not "viable" seed. My mom, sister and several other ladies I know have that problem. My sister had several miscarriages before she figured it out, but now as soon as she gets pregnant she starts taking progesterone. She's carried her last 3 without any problems. Are you going to do any testing to figure out if there is something "wrong"?
He brings to that place because He loves us so much! Good post!
ReplyDeleteI love this post for many reasons. It just reaffirms my belief that I should let Him control my childbearing,not me. I think about all the sweet babies I could have missed out on because I wanted to be in charge. Also, I love reading about strong women. I think you are strong in that even in a painful situation, you trust God. I want to be more like that. I want to always think that first. I want my children to see that. I will be praying for you in the coming days that everything turns out the way it should. I can't imagine the pain of losing a baby-hopefully that's not the case.
ReplyDeletePrayers,
Katie
Been nervous to check here on your status April. I am still praying for you diligently and hope you are doing well.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I came upon your blog once upon a time, but I could have written this post about myself. I am praying for you right now. We lost our first one after we began letting God plan our family. We then had our spirited 4 year old daughter and proceeded to loose the next 3 - the last two at 12 and 13 weeks (one with trisomy 13 and one with Downs). But God is faithful - I can hear my precious 10 month old baby boy snoring right now. :) (I am 41 by the way) I hope this encourages you to not give up hope. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThough I know it is all God, on a practical level, I took supplements especially extra folic acid, and did the Maker's Diet.
Thank you so much for commenting, and for your prayers!
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