Emergency D&C!

Wow, what a day!  I woke up thinking it was just an ordinary day...got Adam up and made a cup of coffee.  But then, I started bleeding heavily and passing some large clots. It kept going and going and soon I was bleeding way too much. Again.  Didn't I just go through this? (If you missed my last miscarriage, you can read about it here.)

So, once again, I was taken to the ER.  This time my husband was home, which was nice, and he was able to take me there.  From here on, it was like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. (Have you seen that?) It was like someone pushed a "repeat" button and did my last miscarriage all over again.  There were slight differences, but overall it was basically the same experience again.

First I was hooked up to an IV, then an ultrasound was done.  The ultrasound showed--sure enough--that the sac was still in my uterus, and there was a hemorrhage around it.  Then the ER doctor came in and did a pelvic exam, and told me that my cervix was closed.  Meanwhile, they were continually monitoring my heart rate (because it was racing), blood pressure, and hematocrit (red blood cell count).  I layed there for a few hours being monitored, while the medical staff (slowly--the ER was busy) worked through getting all the information to all of the important people who needed to know.  Eventually, my OB's partner (my OB was on call at a different hospital) showed up and came in to talk you me.  Fortunately I really liked her!  She came in and did yet another pelvic exam (I think I've had just about enough of THOSE for awhile!), and proceeded to tell me that my uterus was super tiny, the bleeding had slowed way down, and since I had passed some more tissue when I went to the bathroom at the hospital, she was sure that I was done and had passed everything.  She then told me what the options were for what to do next: do a d&c, though I may not need one, try some medication to help pass everything, or just send me home since I was probably done.  I immediately declined the medication, and then told her that I was skeptical that I had passed everything, because last time the doctor said the same thing and I still had a big piece left in there.  I asked if I could please have another ultrasound before making a decision, because that would tell us for sure if anything was in there (seemed the simplest way to me, and I was surprised that they didn't suggest it).  She said that was fine, but she would be shocked if I had anything in there.

So, she did the ultrasound, and what do you know...the sac was still there!  My body is just plain dumb, and it just doesn't know how to do things it seems.  I had been bleeding SO much, passing huge clots, and the sac was just sitting there like it never intended to leave.  At this point, I had been bleeding so much, and my hematocrit was dropping more than they like to see, so they sent me right up to the OR for a D&C.  It hadn't technically been long enough since I had eaten, but they worked around that, because it was a bigger concern that I was losing so much blood.

So there you have it--my day today.  I am home from the hospital now, and glad it's done.  I sure wish I had been able to grocery shop before all this happened though, because we are out of so many things, and my family is trying to pull together meals from...well, not much.

Thanks for listening to my drama.  God bless!

List of Items to Buy for my Homestead

SIGH...for someone who doesn't have any money, this is a long list.  I'll be praying though!

• breed goat does or buy more goats
• cream separator
• pressure canner
• more chickens
• more ducks
• oil lamps + oil (maybe)
• cheese making supplies
• soap making supplies
• garden seeds
• install wood stove
• hand cranked coffee grinder

I think that's it...

Frugal Meal Friday: Crockpot Beans & Rice

Yes, yes....ANOTHER rice and bean meal!  But this one is my newest discovery, and it's really yummy, simple, fast, healthy, and frugal.  You can find the recipe here.

The only problem I had was that the amount of cooking time she listed was NOT long enough for me.  The recipe says to cook it on high for 2-3 hours, and after 3 hours it was still full of liquid and the rice was hard.  I ended up putting it in a skillet on the stove and simmering about another hour.  I think next time I'll put it in the crockpot earlier and watch it...I'm thinking 5-6 hours will be more like it!

Enjoy, and have a GREAT weekend!

Praising God in the Midst of Loss

We are not to just praise God when things are good.  We praise Him in the storms.  We praise Him during loss.  We are to consider our trials all joy, praise God when we grieve, thank Him when we lose something/someone, and have faith to trust Him that no matter what, He knows what He's doing.  We will never be able to understand, on this side of Heaven, why God does everything that He does.  If we were able to understand the ways of God, then He wouldn't be big enough to be worth worshiping, would He?

I did end up miscarrying after all.  I could tell my hormone levels dropped over the weekend, because I started feeling less icky and pregnant, and then later Saturday I started spotting.  On Tuesday it turned into bleeding, and has been going strong since.  I'm doing okay, I really am.  I am focusing on the blessings that God has given me, rather than on losses.  Losses will happen in life--they always do.  May we all have enough faith in this life to be able to say as Job did:

 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." Job 13:15

Blessings to all of you, and thank you for following my story and praying for me!

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

Update

Hi everyone, I thought I'd better post an update for anyone who may be wondering how I am doing.  I am hanging in there, and currently just in a waiting game.

My nurse called me on Tuesday with the results of my labs.  She surprised me by saying that they weren't positive that I was miscarrying, and to go in for an ultrasound that morning.  It turned out to be just a brief, fleeting ray of hope, because when I got to the ultrasound, the news was not good.  I was 7 weeks, 2 days that day, and the sac was only measuring 6 weeks.  She couldn't see anything in the sac, but she said it was just too small and she couldn't see...it didn't mean that there wasn't something in there.  But we couldn't see a heartbeat or anything.  The combination of the ultrasound, and the fact that my hcg is not rising as it should, led them to believe that this is indeed a miscarriage.  The doctor said she is 90-95% sure.

But because there is still a 5-10% chance of life (as small as that is), and because my God is the God of miracles, AND because I have read stories of women who have been told the same thing and went on to have a baby, I am waiting it out for now.  I'm going back for another ultrasound next week.  She said that if nothing has changed in a week, she will be able to say that it's for sure a miscarriage.

I have been praying for a miracle, but I am also preparing for a loss.  I know I AM grasping at straws.  The odds are against me, but God can do anything.  I know He CAN cause a baby to grow after all, I just don't know if He WILL.  I need to be okay with whatever it ends up being.

To those who have been praying for me, thank you SO much.  I have not been feeling well, and I have my daughter's birthday to pull off this weekend, so I'd appreciate prayers for strength and energy in spite of how I'm feeling.  I will keep you all posted.  God bless!

Trusting God

Sometimes I just don't understand why things happen the way that they do.  That is life.  But I know that God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.  Things happen the way they happen, and every event is filtered through His loving hands.

Before I became pregnant with Adam, I hadn't ever listened to God's view on children, and wasn't on board with letting Him plan my family and decide how many children I would have.  And at the time, I didn't even really appreciate the preciousness of little babies, and just how amazing it is that life develops inside of me.  Yes, I LOVED my children, but the Lord had not brought me to this new sense of awe and wonder that I have about life now.  He taught me this through my pregnancy with Adam, which God surprised (shocked!) me with when I thought I was "done" having babies.

Fast forward to now...when I am in this new place of trusting God with family size, and in a new place of awe and wonder and love for new human life.  And now....well, my body doesn't seem to want to carry another baby. 

I had two labs done 48 hours apart to check my hormone levels, and unfortunately it looks like I am miscarrying again.  My hcg just barely rose, and my progesterone dropped.  God can work a miracle, but it doesn't look promising.  I have two more labs just to make sure.

Which brings me to trusting God.  I don't understand why He does it this way.  He brings me to a place of trusting Him to plan my family, and I get a fresh new desire to have babies, and now my body won't do it.  And now, I am filled with this longing for a baby that wasn't there before, when I was controlling my womb myself and wanted to be done having children.  It doesn't make sense to me.  But then, the scope of my mind is finite and I cannot possibly understand the ways of God.  I just have to trust Him.  Trust Him to allow more children....trust Him to cut off childbearing.

I just know this: God is good...ALL THE TIME.

Asking for More Prayer...

I am trusting the Lord for His will for me, even as I am having serious concerns about this pregnancy.  I am exactly 6 weeks along today, and there is no sign of nausea.  For me, that is a bad sign.  In my pregnancy history, no nausea is always a tip off that something is not quite right.  So, I have been doing a lot of crying today, and mentally preparing myself for another loss.  I hope I am not sounding pessimistic here, but I know my body well, and how I'm supposed to feel when I am carrying a viable pregnancy.

Thank you for listening to my update, and praying for me.  I will keep you posted.

Frugal Meal Friday: Lentils and Rice

I am trying this recipe today for Herbed Lentils and Rice.  I will let you know how it turns out!  It is incredibly frugal AND healthy.  The recipe says to bake in the oven; however, our oven is gas and we are short on propane, so I'm trying it in the crock pot.

Have a blessed day!